a shed of light..

-im like a robot =(

i really find it weird why lately im kinda feeling hesitant to study.. its like im on a lazy mode for a whole week now.. but i just cant stop studying. No matter how tired I am when i get home after school,, no matter how i wanted to take a nap or watch tv for a while.. no matter how i try not to think of the things especially the quizzes im about to take tomorrow.. no matter how i want to shake off my head all the school works that our intsructor are throwing at us... I JUST CAN’T!!! and that’s what pisses me off!!!

I have to admit.. im guilty of thinking of being lazy daisy regarding studying.. i dont know its just that i dont feel the same enthusiasm towards studying unlike last year. Is it because things or should i say professors are being too hard on us?? Or maybe i just envy those clasmates of mine who are getting passing grades eventhough they are not too serious in their studies??

I cant think of a reason why i suddenly felt this way.. it seems to me that eventhough i dont like to study anymore i just cant stop because im like a robot!! Programmed to study and please the others aroung me by maintaining my dean’s lister slot and my grades.. im feeling tired.. i find it weird because i dont ususally feel this.. because im the type of person who takes aevry single day as a challenge to improve my academics,, but know.. it seems to me that my brains are soggy and dripping of ideas.. i think im exepriencing an infirmation overload.. i cant get a hold to all those things that are plugged inside my head.. i cant catch a good grasp of reality!!!

I feel so disoriented..how did i figure thsi out??? Simple.. im starting to think of things that i shouldn’t be thinking of.. im staritng to feel things that im not supposed to feel and im starting to act on things that im not supposed to react!!! Arrggh.. i dont know what’s going on.. i just hope to be okay before the next week ends because prelims week is just a week ahead.. if im gonna be like this up to that point i dont think i can get any good graed at all!

I believe i just need a goodnight sleep or a single day full of relaxing activities..haaaa...*sigh*

-Unjust dad’s?? give something new pls.!!

This one is of course about my dad AGAIN??!! Well because lately its like he’s being too strict without basis.. i hope someone gets my point?! He doesn;t want me to go out and spend some quality time outside my school.. he’s starting to make a list on the things that he bought for me.. ito the extent that everythime i would ask for something he would always reply “ i told you tht bag was the last one??” what type of dada is that ayt?? Playing favorites!!

He buys everything that baby would ask him to.. but when it comes to me he would always tell that i have too many requests as if i have santa claus for a dad!! Well i have to admit im the “bilmoko gurl” but what if there would come a day when i would really need something and mama wasn’t available to give it too me.. and i have to ask that something frim him.. i should know that he wouldn’t give me some money to buy it.. but when it comes to my sister he ont even bother to think twice!! Spoiled brat!!

Actually i have tons of caomplaints aput my dada.. but if i’d try to list it all here.. it would take me a whole day to think about all of it so i’d just highlight on the stuffs that are really unreasonable!!

-he being so strict that is becoming too unreasonable..

-being shallow

-he’s not open minded on accepting that he himeself could commit mistakes..

-its like he doesn’t trust me that i can finish my studies and be a teenager at the same time..

-he’s too hard to please..

-insensitive

-fickle minded

-arrogant

-and a whole lot more..

a while ago when i attended at my legion of mary meeting it was sis. Vicky and me who were present.. and so we had enough time to talk about lots of things,., i opened up to her the issue bout dady.. and to quote the best thing that i heard from her and i think im gonna try to do,, she advised me to tell daddy and mama the following:

“Ma, daddy malaki na po ako magtiwala po kayo sa akin.. malaki ang ambisyon ko sa buhay.. hindi ako mapapariwara.. may sarili na akong isip.. hindi sa hindi ko pinakikinggan lahat ng sinasabi nyop.. kung bubukasan nyo ang isip ko nanadon lahat ng cnsab nyo sa isip ko.. alam ko na po kung ano ang tama sa mali.. hnd ko naman hahayaang masira lang ng ibang tao ang buhay ko eh.. hidni po ako katulad nila ate.. magtatapos po ako ng pag-aaral hndi lang para sa akin kundi para din sa inyo..”

i never imagined that i could hear this statements from a mother.. im so thabkful that i was able to open up to a good mom who understands the child’s sentiments about his parents.. im so happy..

i even got to tell her about my feeling of disorientation right now.. she advised me that i shud just continue studying and that someday i would aslo be the one to sow the benefits of my hardwork.... thank you so much sister vicky.. you enlightened me!! Ims o glad you were there....!!

-mine’s ALMOST flunking grades

this one is one of the things that really makes me extremely sad.. mine’s grades are almost flunking... almost because i believe and he also believes that he can catch up the passing grade if he triples or quadruples his efforts in studying... and that would simply mean less talk for us..

im not being selfish or immature.. i fully understand the situation.. but its just that its hard for me because as of now it was only in him that i can confide my day full of stories.. and also i think this is the best moment when i would need his support regarding my issue of disorientation..

and also what makes me sad is the fact that this already happened before.. back then when we were together he also got an almost flunking grades.. i cant help but think that it was I to blame why he was getting those grades.. maybe I was a distraction for him!!! Though he keeps on telling me that im not.. i cant help but feel bad when that thought crosses my mind.. and so i just have to go with the flow of what’s been happening between the two of us..

*free-thinking mode*